


You are the reason I'm alive

by Kildren



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Happy Ending, Sensitive Topic, Suicidal Thoughts, please read till the end, rated M to be on the safe side
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 09:27:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16658534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kildren/pseuds/Kildren
Summary: Kara has always felt lost in this world until she met a certain Luthor.





	You are the reason I'm alive

**Author's Note:**

> I stumbled upon a Japanese song called "The Reason I Wanted To Die" by Mika Nakashima and the lyrics gave me tons of feels...I just had to write this. Don't let the song title put you off, it's actually more than it seems.
> 
> All mistakes are mine.

She was alone in this strange world. She was completely alone.

After her curiosity about the new planet was sated the hollowness in her had settled and it never went away. She had never felt anything like it before; not back on Krypton, not when she was with her family. It didn’t matter whether she was happy or sad, angry or calm; the invisible weight just diligently pressed itself upon her heart day after day and the only thing she could do was act normal. Be human.

This wasn’t her world, this wasn’t where she belonged.

Every night she would just sit out on the rooftop and cry, silent tears rolling down her cheeks as she tried to look for Rao—or rather, the remnants of Rao—through her blurry sight. She desperately wanted to scream and shout, and make her echoes be heard across the plains of the quiet town but no one, no one would understand so what was the point?

Things got a little better when Alex became her friend. Even though it hurt when she talked about Krypton it helped lessen the burden she felt, the hollowness and the aching. Yet everyday there was something that would drag her back down into the darkness. The fact that there were birds, the sun was yellow and water was everywhere—she couldn’t help but think Krypton didn’t have this or Krypton didn’t have that. It took her years to stop constantly making comparisons, but sometimes she would still catch herself doing so.

She had learned that humans like happy people in general. The nice, oblivious, easy going and clumsy but cute kind of people, so that’s what she strived to become. That’s who Kara Danvers was going to be, and who she became. Everything felt easy after that because she was likeable and she blended perfectly into crowd without looking like the odd one out, nonetheless something was still missing. Maybe it would help if she embarked on the same path as Kal-El. She had a gift and what use was it if she didn’t use it? When the thought grew on her, when her new purpose was instilled in her mind the hollowness vanished in an instant, and she became determined to help the world.

She became Supergirl.

For a while it was fulfilling despite the dangers and hardships she faced, but the invisible weight slowly came back a year after her debut. She was frustrated and angry, wondering what she was missing and how she could fill the void. She went to the warehouse and punched way too many cars into oblivion, she tried to help more people and went on more missions in hopes that it would help ease whatever she was feeling. The concerned looks that Alex gave her didn’t go unnoticed but she ignored it. She was Supergirl, she wasn’t about to break easily like fragile glass.

Eventually frustration turned into darker thoughts. If nothing she did made her feel worthy of existing then what was the point? Why did she have to drag around this invisible weight with her till the day she died, wouldn’t it be easier to just disappear? Surely it wouldn’t follow her into Rao’s light?

That’s when she met Lena Luthor, the very woman who gave her a purpose in this world, who set her down the path of becoming a reporter.

Every time she met Lena, whether as Kara Danvers or Supergirl, she couldn’t help but feel drawn towards her. Somehow she knew deep down that Lena would become an integral part of her life and not because she was the sister of Lex Luthor, but because she saw herself in her. She saw a woman trying to find her place in this unrelenting world, trying to prove her worth to everyone else and more importantly, to herself as well.

And so she fought to prove Lena’s character too, but the rapport she had built with her was obliterated over Kryptonite. 

“Why didn’t you talk to me before making it?” she rasped during their argument.

“Because I knew you would react that way,” the Luthor whispered.

“I wouldn’t have if you told me!” she bellowed, the anger carrying over to Lena.

“Why should I have to? Just so you can control when, where, how much and for what purpose I make it?” the CEO refuted with a sharp glare.

The Kryptonian let out an incredulous laugh. “Control? I’ll admit it that I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea but that’s not what this is about! I thought—I just thought you would trust me!”

“That’s what I thought too, that you wouldn’t be freaked out when I handed you the Kryptonite because you would _know_ that I’d never make it for the wrong reasons! How can you ask me to trust you when you don’t even trust me?”

Her throat seized up and she was unable to reply. She did, she did trust Lena immensely but—

“I can’t,” she croaked out, earning a crestfallen look from her friend. “I can’t give you complete trust because I don’t want anything to change, I’m afraid that once you realize the truth about me you’ll…” she trailed off, struggling to find the right words.

“I’m not looking to uncover your identity. All I want is your faith in me that I will always be on the good side no matter what.”

“Can I ask the same thing in return? That you believe I will always be on your side?”

Lena twitched slightly and her uneven heartbeat told her everything she needed to know. It suddenly hit her that they’d never get anywhere like this. Even if they tried to believe in each other the doubt in their minds would never cease to exist and they’d be forever tethered by a fragile link, stuck in a vicious cycle of making assumptions and blaming one another. The only way to break out of all this was to tell the truth, and despite being afraid momentarily ago she decided to be honest.

She owed it to the both of them.

“When I saw you for the first time I felt as if I was looking at a mirror. What happened with Lex swept the rug from under your feet and you lost footing in this world. Suddenly you didn’t fit into Earth’s puzzle and you’ve been trying so hard to put yourself back in, to find the place you once belonged. I was the same,” she breathed out as she tried to steady her emotions. “I lost everything I’ve ever known and came down to Earth. I had to be everything that I wasn’t and so I created a mold that never felt right to me, a puzzle piece that fit perfectly into the world—”

She dared herself to look into the Luthor’s eyes. “I became Kara Danvers.”

Her whole body filled with dread as she watched Lena tense up. “I want you to know that our friendship is real, that everything we’ve experienced together was never a lie—all the things I’ve said to you or done for you—all of them are true and with purpose!”

The dull ache that she always felt became a sharp pain when she realized her friend was on the verge of crying. “With purpose?” Lena asked with a watery laugh as she tried hard to hold her tears back. “With what purpose? With the purpose to create an illusion that someone actually cared about me?”

“No, no!” she replied quickly, desperately wanting to hold the Luthor in her arms but knowing fully well that she couldn’t. “With the purpose to—” she faltered as fear began to overtake her. The thought of saying it out loud and having to see Lena’s reaction was just too overwhelming, and yet the other half of her pushed for her to admit to her struggles because if she didn’t say it now then what would become of them?

“With the purpose to keep myself alive, to stop myself from wanting to die every time I’m reminded that I don’t belong here, that there’s no home for me to go back to,” she admitted quietly. “I see myself in you, and I care about you too much to watch you go down the same path I am on now. I became your friend because I didn’t want you to think that you were alone, I wanted you to know that you can be happy in this world…and by creating happiness for you I created happiness for myself.”

She quickly wiped away the tears that began to fall. “You are the reason I’m alive, the reason why I try my best every day. I know it’s wrong to be dependent on you like that but it’s hard to find peace within myself, to find comfort alone. I’m sorry, Lena, I really am, I never meant to hurt you, I—”

She gasped in surprise when Lena circled her arms around her and hugged her tightly. “I was down that path long before you knew me,” the Luthor sniffled. “At first it was just the lack of approval from Lillian that made me discontent with myself and for a long time I tried my best to fix whatever was wrong with me…and then Lex went insane. He was the reason my life was bearable but all the sudden he was gone, just like that.”

Lena remained silent for a brief moment before she continued. “The only thing that stopped me from committing suicide was my stubborn nature. I decided that if I were to die then I would at least die a good person instead of a shameful Luthor with a tarnished reputation, and that’s what’s been keeping me going for so long. I was on the verge of breaking down, wondering why I chose to walk down this arduous path when no one even cared when suddenly you appeared in my life. The change was gradual and before I knew it I was living for a completely different reason.”

The Luthor pulled back to look at her. “You,” she whispered with a smile as she raised a hand and used her thumb to gently wipe away the Kryptonian’s tears. “Be it Kara Danvers or Supergirl, you are also the reason I’m alive.”

Kara’s heart soared at the very words, and in this moment there was only one thing on her mind. “I love you,” she spoke softly as a fresh wave of tears began to fall. “Rao, I love you so much,” she whispered fiercely as she hugged Lena close to her, warmth spreading between them as their bodies pressed together.

Lena managed a laugh through her own tears. “Today’s the day we spill all the beans, isn’t it? I love you too, Kara…”

“Zor-El,” she filled in for her. “Kara Zor-El.”

For the first time on Earth Kara felt excited at the thought of sharing Krypton with someone. She couldn’t wait to tell Lena about her childhood stories, Kryptonian cultures and Rao, but before that there was something else she had to say.

She let go and cupped Lena’s cheek with her hand, adoration in her eyes. “At the risk of sounding cheesy, I think I was born so I could meet you.”

“I’d say that I feel like I was made for you and no one else. Everything just feels right with you.”

Kara caught the gaze that dipped briefly to her lips. “It’s okay to kiss before the first date, right?” she asked with a small grin.

“In my mind we’ve already been dating for a long time,” Lena murmured in response.

The Kryptonian leaned in and pressed a chaste kiss onto warm, slightly quivering lips. The moment their lips met Kara understood what people meant when they said that kissing your lover felt like home, and she knew that in this life time she could never want anyone other than the woman in her arms. Pulling back she gently rested her forehead against the Luthor’s. “Let’s save the rest for when we’re not a terrible, crying mess, yeah?”

“Just so you know, you owe me a lot of kisses and I fully intend on receiving them all.”

Kara chuckled. “We’ll have all the time in the world. I promise.”

Life had never been easy for the both of them and it certainly wouldn’t be any easier in the future, but from now on they had each other to lean on…and that was all that mattered.


End file.
